A Letter to Lost Causes
by blackwolfmajik
Summary: DAI - A letter to the Commander brings up some uncomfortable memories.
1. Chapter 1

**Dragon Age Inquisition – A Letter to Lost Causes (Cullen, F!Mage Warden)**

**Rated:** E for Everyone!

**Soundtrack: **Don't have one for this, the idea crawled out on its own...

****AN:** _Insert standard disclaimer here – I own nada!_

_My Amell F!Mage has always been the Dragon Age character closest to my heart, so I actually squee'd when my Inquisitor asked Cullen about leaving previous loves behind and he said: "Not in Kirkwall."_

_Please review!_

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**A Letter to Lost Causes**

The letter was tucked in with the rest of his reports, looking as innocent as a sleeping rose.

He managed to ignore it for nearly a week; for once thankful that there was always some disaster or emergency that needed far more urgent attention.

The letter waited patiently.

He hated the sight of it and questioned daily why he hadn't simply burned the wretched thing. It would surfacing now and then as he shoved paperwork across his desk, raking his attention like a thorn.

_Coward, it's just a bloody letter not an abomination._

Hopefully…

With the Inquisitor away on a mission and Skyhold in (reasonably) perfect order, Cullen finally ran out of excuses.

The scroll seemed heavy in his hand, thick vellum stained and creased from its journey. He wondered how far it had traveled to get to him.

To now.

Cullen traced his finger over the unique sigil stamped deeply into the chipped grey wax: a griffin and mabari hound holding a mage's staff between them. The flickering torches made the creatures seem like they were alive.

_Fighting._

"Josephine told me about the letter," Leliana's voice was soft, apologetic.

Startled, the former Templar grimaced and tossed the scroll aside. He dragged his attention back to the scout report he had been trying to read for hours. "What of it?"

"Did you read it?"

"No."

"No?" The Spymaster stepped away from where she had been leaning against the door frame. "Were you not curious to know what she said?"

The answer was a frustrated sigh.

"And yet you did not open it?"

"Why do you care?"

Her mouth tilted in a teasing smirk. "Because: I am a champion of lost causes and forbidden love."

"Forbidden lo—I don't—!" he sputtered.

"I was there at the Circle Tower, I _remember_."

Cullen's shoulders sank as the blood drained from his dismayed expression. It was several moments before he trusted himself to speak; his voice sounded hollow: "That was a long time ago."

"Not so long—"

"I am not that man anymore." Cullen shoved himself to his feet, agitation making him unable to sit still.

"None of us are the people we were then. We are older and wiser, yes?"

"Older, but perhaps not wiser, I think. Here we are again at the edge of ruin."

"Yes," Leliana sobered. "But we are not here alone, together we can stand stronger. Will you not give her a chance-"

"Why do you think this means anything at all?" He snatched the scroll up and brandished it like a weapon. "For all we know, it could just be a list of troop movements, dragon sightings—or—or even a requisition for _carrots_."

"If you believed that, you would have already read it."

Cullen growled, barely resisting the urge to crush the vile letter in his fist. "What would you have me do? Write her back and say I still dream of her?"

"Do you?"

"Of course I do! _And of demons with her face!_"

The bard winced. "Not a reply I would suggest."

"Besides, the Inquis—"

"-Would understand. The world is ending, yes? We could die tomorrow, it should not be with any regrets."

"Regrets?" the word tasted bitter on his tongue, like burnt lyrium and blackened corpses. He shook his head roughly to clear the memory. "Enough! I don't wish to discuss this further."

"Foolish," Leliana's blue eyes narrowed in the firelight. "You did not see her afterward, _after_ the tower."

_"Lel—"_

"She mourned. They were her friends, her family. She mourned _you_."

Cullen stared, his mouth dry and suddenly empty of the protests he had been collecting. Silence seeped in with the shadows, making the room feel darker despite the cheerful blaze of the fire.

"Everyone congratulated her on a job well done, only _she_ looked at it as a failure. She regretted that she could not do more, that she had not been there sooner."Leliana rubbed her arms as if she were cold. "Grey Wardens all get terrible dreams and I never knew what filled hers before the Tower. But after…" The bard's expression looked pained and she turned away so that he would not see it. "She would wake up screaming your name. Every night you died and she wept that she could not save you."

Cullen felt the prickling of guilt push the last of the resentment from his bones. "I didn't know. I…the things I said—_yelled_ at her in those last moments. I was so angry for so long, I even fled to Kirkwall to get away from…anything that reminded me of her."

He looked at the heavy parchment once more; the Hero of Ferelden's seal picked out in golden firelight beside the flowing script of his name.

"What if she…"

Leliana's smile was bittersweet. "If you do not try, then you will never know."

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_**AN:** Been a while since I had a DA story!_

_My very first DA character was a F!Mage so my history with Cullen is longer than some, but I'm really glad that others can now see why I was so crazy for him! _


	2. Chapter 2

**Dragon Age: Inquisition**

**Soundtrack Suggestion:** _Battle Star Galactica Soundtrack - "Kat's Sacrifice"_

**AN: **_So, yeah...I hadn't really planned on continuing this one, but people seemed to like it (well, so far - not sure what you all will think of this chapter)._

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Josephine was a little surprised by Saris Amell.

Tales of the woman's exploits stretched far and wide, making the Hero of Ferelden practically a creature of legend. Having expected someone more…grand, Josephine's first thought was the petite mage looked like a child playing dress-up.

That impression lasted less than two minutes. After that, Josephine was convinced that Amell's eyes were grey from the silverite in her veins.

The Warden was respectful, but also had a practiced mask so neutral that Josephine would never have bet against her in Wicked Grace.

_She would have done well in the Orlesian court, it is unfortunate she didn't arrived before the mess at The Winter Palace..._

The only imperfection the ambassador noticed was a slight hitch in the Warden's step when she saw Commander Cullen.

Turning her attention to observe the others in the room, Josephine took note of how they were reacting to the Warden leader.

Morrigan, who had been as tenacious as a leech to attend every council session, was conspicuously absent. In fact, it seemed that the moment it was known Commander Amell would be arriving at Skyhold, the apostate and her son had practically vanished. The Hero's reaction to hearing that Morrigan had been in the castle was equally strange... Josephine made a mental note to ask Leliana about it later.

Speaking of the former bard...

The solemn Spymaster practically gushed over the Hero, making everyone at the war council speechless with surprise. Despite the many midnight stories Josephine remembered about the red head's adventures during the Fifth Blight, to actually _see_ her happiness at being reunited with an old friend was heart-warming.

Leliana even managed to get the Warden to smile.

Commander Cullen, on the other hand, looked pale and nervous.

_He looks like he is trying to balance a plate on his head while reciting the Chant of Light._

It was clear to anyone with eyes that the Commanders had met before, but they went along with Trevelyan's formal introduction without comment. His attention would track to Amell and then skitter away as if she was too bright to look at.

_Old flames, perhaps? A bad breakup?_

Josephine remembered that a letter had arrived for Cullen from the Hero a few months earlier. At the time, she had assumed it was simply Warden business, but Leliana had become cagey when she learned of it. Now the ambassador wondered...

The Inquisitor seemed a bit on edge as well, her normally proud stance was tight with unease. Josephine wasn't sure if it was because of the Hero's authoritarian air or the secretive glances Trevelyan kept trying _not_ to send Cullen's direction.

_Too many captains on the ship it seemed…_

Amell's Warden companions said little, content to let her speak for them unless directly addressed. Wyx was older, his grizzled beard something Blackwall would have been proud of. The one called Nate was badly scarred, but the bow slung across his back looked impeccably maintained.

Both men were clearly veterans and had an air of alertness that refused to fade even though they stood among allies. In many regions, Amell was still considered an apostate, even with her Heroic status and relative immunity as a Warden. Seeing the watchful glares of her companions, Josephine had no doubt that anyone seeking to cause trouble for the mage would pay dearly for it.

Trevelyan's raised voice drew Josephine out of her musing reverie.

"You weren't here, I did the best I could!"

The Warden kept calm, refusing to take the bait. "And that gave you the right to order my men to their deaths?"

"I am fighting a monster, a _darkspawn_, that Wardens let escape from their prison. I needed an army and the Wardens needed redemption."

"You sent them to die in a battle you knew they couldn't win, without any preparation or defense."

"Ladies, please—" Leliana tried to speak reasonably but Trevelyan was angry and spoiling for a fight.

"You say that like I gave them no choice in the matter. There were those who wanted me to put them all to the sword for their betrayal. I gave the Wardens a chance for their deaths to mean something."

"'Mean something'?"

"Is it not part of your own creed? 'In death, sacrifice—'"

The Wardens tensed. Cullen looked panicky as Amell speared the Inquisitor with a glare that could have frozen a volcano. "Do not quote the Warden oath to me," her voice was dangerously quiet. "You have no idea what sacrifices we make."

"I-"

"I have spent _months_ trying to keep every Warden I met from falling into Corypheous' hands. I shouted, I yelled, I pleaded - but they still streamed past me to their deaths. For every man I saved, I lost a _hundred_."

Trevelyan looked abashed as the room fell silent.

"There's more." Shoulders bowed with the weight of loss, Saris leaned heavily on the table. "Before I arrived here, I received a message that the First Warden himself succumbed, despite all of my efforts."

"He is dead?" Leliana asked, concern wrinkling her brow. "Who will be First Warden now?"

"Nearly all of the Senior Wardens are gone. There will be a vote among the survivors, but Alistair is _King_. He can't be in Weisshaupt and Denerim at the same time." Amell sighed from the bottom of her soul. "It seems likely that I will be nominated for the position."

"I'm sorry for your loss," Cullen said quietly.

Amell glanced at him and nodded in acknowledgement, her polite mask slipping firmly back into place.

"Nearly all of the Wardens we met were overcome by Corypheus' influence. Saying something about him _'calling'_ to them," Trevelyan said with thinly veiled suspicion. "What about you? Are you immune to it?"

"Not immune, just resistant for the same reason Alistair is. We have faced such horrors before and know how to brace against it."

"What of that scabby dragon of his? Wardens were saying it was another Archdaemon."

"Corypheous' pet is convincing enough for most, but I put a sword through the head of an Archdaemon to end the Fifth Blight. I would know a fake when I saw one. None of the other Wardens here are old enough to have faced anything like it, so I don't believe they could tell the difference."

"How many Wardens are left?"

Wyx answered: "With the forces at Adamant gone and the others we lost to the...well...two score, perhaps less, remain south of the Anderfels. The Wardens in Orlais were hit hardest."

"The Order is in danger of extinction. We have nothing but skeletons guarding the entrances to the Deep Roads. If Corypheus' calls forth a real Blight now…" Amell's expression was grim. "It will be the last time we ever have to worry about it, because there won't be enough Wardens to keep Darkspawn from sweeping over Thedas."

"Maker..." someone whispered.

"This is where I might be able to provide some good news."

"Oh?"

Amell glanced at the battle map sprawled across the table and motioned to the various markers. "You're building an army for the final push against Corypheous. Though the Wardens have had...setbacks…my name still carries some weight in Ferelden. I can try to bring allies from Orzammar and Denerim, perhaps even a few of the Daelish clans."

"I'm...not very popular with the Ferelden King," Trevelyan admitted.

"I heard some things about the business in Redcliff, but not the details. Arl Teagan is the King Alistair's favorite uncle and a personal friend of mine."

"You appear to be friends with nearly everyone," the Inquisitor ignored Leliana's scathing glare. "I settled my accounts with the Arl, so everything is peachy. I don't think Fiona would have made such a deal with Tevinter if she hadn't been desperate."

"Yes," mention of the Grand Enchanter's name darkened Amell's expression further. "I heard that you put _her_ to good use."

Distrustful of the Hero's tone, Trevelyan answered carefully: "Well, she's only been here a short time, but she has been a great help in organizing the rebel apostates. The mages, the Tranquil, and even that Tevinter guy, they all seem to be giving their best efforts to help."

"What 'Tevinter guy'?"

"The one that struck the deal with Fiona. Magister Alexious. The guy was crazy, tearing up time like it was parchment just to help his kid. His son was the one to help us take his father down. Gratitude, right? There's another Tevinter mage that came along: Dorian. He's a bit flaky sometimes, but he's all right."

The Hero quirked a coal colored eyebrow. "What do you mean when you say 'tearing up time'?"

Trevelyan squirmed. "Look, I'm not good with mage stuff, but yeah, it was exactly that. Alexious said his son was infected with the Blight, or something, and the magister kept stretching time out to...well...have more _time_ to look for the cure."

Amell shot a weighted glance at her men who both gave sharp nods in reply.

"Is there a problem?" Josephine asked.

"It's Warden business."

"You're going to play that card now?" Trevelyan scoffed as she pointed out the window to the lurid green sky. "The world is ending! If Corypheous has his way, nobody will have any business ever again!"

Amell scowled. "The Wardens have been looking for a cure for the Blight for centuries. I believe that the former Grand Enchanter is the key. I've been tracking her for years nut, until now, she has proven to be quite adept at hiding. I can't say anything more than that."

"I talked to Fiona, she said that the Wardens questioned her already on…well, whatever it was that made her different from the rest of you. She said that nothing came of it, then things got nasty and she left before it could get worse."

"That was over thirty years ago, our...understanding...has evolved since then."

Trevelyan's brow set in a stubborn line. "I will let you talk to her, but I'm not going to force Fiona to open a vein for you if she doesn't wish it."

"She is a Warden deserter," Amell's glare was like granite. "You could protest me taking her back to Weisshaupt, but the law is clear."

Before Tevelyan could start yelling again, Josephine stepped in. "Surely there is no need for that! You can speak with the Grand Enchanter here, can you not?"

"Circumstances being as they are," Amell said with a deliberate glance out the window. "If Fiona is cooperative, then yes: it would be safer to stay at Skyhold. Also, if this Magister of yours is not half as insane as you say, it may be that the three of us together can be more successful than we would be on our own. Is _that_ acceptable, Inquisitor?"

Trevelyan was seething, but nodded.

"Good. My men and I have had a long journey and I am sure you have much more to discuss without us here. Unless there is anything further, we will retire for the evening."

Wyx shifted in his armor.

"After we make a stop at the kitchens," she amended dryly.

"Fine. We'll talk more tomorrow. The guard outside will show you to your rooms."

"We will speak later, yes?" Leliana smiled as Amell turned to leave. "We have much to catch up on!"

The warden commander nodded, carefully avoiding Cullen's glance as she exited with her men.

"What in the Void was all that about?" Trevelyan snarled moments later. "I don't care if she's the Hero of bloody Ferelden or fuckin' _Andraste_ herself. She can't just walk in here and order me to hand people over to Maker knows what kind of…of _experimentation_ she has planned!"

"I don't think that was her intent," Cullen said.

"And _you_," Trevelyan's tone was acidic enough to draw his full attention away from the closed door. "Were you even _listening_ to her? Or were you too busy staring?"

"Inquisitor!"

Cullen's cheeks flamed, but his temper quickly overtook the embarrassment. "What are you suggesting?"

"That I don't think you're the most _objective_ judge of what the Warden's intentions are!"

"Perhaps not, but I have known her far longer than anyone else in this room."

The Inquisitor balked at the new information but recovered quickly: "If that's so, were you just going to let her walk all over us for old times' sake?"

"Enough! This bickering is pointless," snapped Leliana, her demeanor hardening into more familiar lines. "Commander Amell seeks the same thing we do and is offering to help. We cannot afford to be divided or Corypheous will destroy all."

Trevelyan continued to scowl, but some of the angry flush faded from her cheeks. "Fine."

Cullen nodded grudgingly, still stung by the earlier accusation.

"Well, since she has brought up the subject…do you think she's right? Would curing this Blight thing work?"

"Varric's contact said that the red lyrium acted like it was alive, like it was infected. If the Wardens are suffering from the same malady and it is fueling Corpyheous's power…then curing the Blight could solve many problems at once."

"Blights have been going on for thousands of years, do you really think we could find a cure for it so quickly?"

"As she said, there are three experts on the subject right here. If we could not do it, then it may be too late to matter, yes?"

"Sounds great," Trevelyan clapped her hands together. "So we just need to cure a plague that was started by mythical creatures thousands of years ago, defeat a corrupted old-god-pretender and close a gigantic hole in the sky. Simple."

The councilors traded glances.

_Simple._

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_**AN:** Whew! been a while since I did a Dragon Age story and this one has been sitting on my computer just short of forever!_

_Yes, Trev and Amell are a little bitchy, but they're under a lot of stress. There are some territorial issues going on too, so I kinda don't blame them. _

_**Reviews are the best!** Let me know if you like it, you hate it, or just like ice cream and thinking of Cullen playing chess in his underwear!_


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